My life has been a whirlwind of transition lately. After getting married in August and going on our honeymoon, we bought our first home and moved to the suburbs in September. (#burblife is my new fave hashtag).
Our weekends lately have consisted of a lot of home projects (you guys, no one told me that buying a house meant my husband would think that going to Home Depot is a fun date night…) furniture hunting, and baby showers for our dearest friends!
You could say a lot has changed in just a matter of months. It wasn’t long ago that we were living in the city, caught up in the excitement of planning a wedding, and I was feeling fresh and excited about a new career.
The changes are exciting and ones we both want. But I’m going to be honest. They’ve been hard. Harder than I expected for sure. And as I’ve learned to do when things get challenging, I have been doing quite a bit of self-reflection which has repeatedly led me to ask myself a pretty intense question:
Will it ever feel like enough?
When I think back over the past several years, I’m struck (and intensely grateful) by how many of the things I really wanted I now have. I yearned to meet a person who I could share my life with, to be my partner. I got that and so much more in my now husband. We were in love and committed to one another and I was so excited for what our life together would bring. We talked about marriage and knew it was in our future, but knowing it would happen eventually started not to not feel like enough. I felt the impatience manifest into anxiety and self doubt.
And when we did get engaged, I was over the moon.
In a matter of days I plunged headfirst into the planning. And as deeply happy as I was to be marrying the man I had waited my whole life for, the stress of the wedding quickly took hold. I never had a fleeting doubt about marrying this man but I worried, as so many brides do, whether the wedding would be enough. Would it be beautiful enough? Fun enough for our guests? Special enough to reflect how we felt about one another?
I started to wish for it to just be here so that we could start our married lives together. I felt myself wanting to skip this period of excitement and planning and newness of being engaged and just arrive at our wedding day.
And when we got married, it was magical.
We cried tears of joy, overwhelmed by how exquisitely perfect it was for us and the palpable sense of love and joy we felt surrounded by.
We came back from the honeymoon still floating. Quickly distracted by all that comes with a move, there wasn’t much time to soak it all in. And in the two months since, reality set in. Hard. It will take a long time to furnish the house and make it feel “done”. My husband needs time to adjust to a long commute that cuts hours from his already busy day. Working from home feels a lot different than it did in the city, when I was always just a block away from a bustling coffee shop. And I suddenly feel myself panicking about how long it might take to get pregnant and start a family.
So, I come back to that question. When will it be enough?
I thought meeting the right man would feel like enough. Then I thought that getting married would feel like enough. Then I thought owning a home and starting this next chapter would do it.
And yet here I find myself feeling that I need to be pregnant to feel at ease in our new life, that only when that happens will I be able to revel in the joy that these past years have afforded me.
And what a shame that is. If we’re so focused on what’s next, we lose so much of the amazing that is happening right now.
My yoga teacher reminded me of this so perfectly the other day when she told us about a children’s book she had found called Mindful Monkey, Happy Panda which teaches children about the importance of focusing on and enjoying what you’re doing while you’re doing it. Yoga teaches us to be mindful on our mat - if you’re in one pose, don’t think about what’s coming next. But this lesson is most poignant in life. If you are focusing on what’s for dinner while catching up with a friend, what might you be missing from that connection? If I am worrying about starting a family while I am settling into life as a newlywed in a new home, what am I missing from this moment that I will never get back?
There is so much in this life we can't control, but we can make a conscious effort not to miss what is happening in front of us right now because we’re preoccupied with what the future will or won’t bring. So, today I start with answering my own question.
Right now. Right here. It’s enough. I’m enough. Not once I feel my house is “company ready” or I’ve lost those 8 pounds I put on, or my business is financially stable. Right now is when I want to feel content with the amazing life we have created.
What are you waiting on to feel like enough? Please comment below so we can share our experiences. Thank you for your compassion and your willingness to share. Your insights may very well help or encourage someone else in this community.