This is not the blog post I had planned for this week. But rather than stick with my Type-A agenda (we will get to New Years resolutions and why I don’t believe in them next week), I decided to use this as an opportunity to share some personal stuff I have been experiencing the last few days.
This past weekend I was a bridesmaid in one of my dearest friend’s wedding. It was perfection, all of it. One of my best friends in the world and the love of her life radiated love and joy in a celebration that highlighted the very best of both of them. My lifelong friends and I danced and laughed and drank champagne as we watched someone we love embark on the next chapter of her life with her very own prince charming. Perfection.
And while general exhaustion was undoubtedly partly to blame, I, nevertheless, began the week on Monday feeling kind of…down. It’s not unusual for me to feel kind of blue after a long weekend of partying and not enough sleep. It tends to be how my body reacts. But Monday turned into Tuesday and Tuesday into Wednesday - a few days of not exercising and eating in a way that doesn't serve my body or my mind well. We all experience these so-called “ruts” in some form – a couple of “off” days where we fall out of our routine and aren’t feeling our best. Nothing wrong with that! So I tried to use this an opportunity to practice what I talked about on the blog last week. You can check it out here). This time, though, a few “off" days set me down an all-too-familiar spiral of self-abuse which I am constantly working on removing from my internal dialogue. You are lazy. You are fat and disgusting. How could Jarrid love you? You aren’t worthy of his love.
Ok, I am going to pause there for a second. Some of you may be thinking SHE’S a health coach? Why in the hell would anyone trust HER to coach them on their path to health and self-love? Crazy alert!
Well, that is precisely why I am sharing these intensely personal, profoundly vulnerable pieces of myself with you. I really believe that this realness, this unguarded accessibility is what will allow me to a great coach. I am still and will forever be on my journey to self-healing and self-love. Some days I do well with it. Other days I really struggle. But I spent years so ashamed of feeling this way that I didn’t dare share it with anyone – not even (or especially not) those closest to me. I have learned in my new career as a health coach that sharing these inner-most, terrifying-to-say-aloud feelings is, ironically, what heals me the most.
So, here I am. All of me. The good, the bad, and the...brave. This morning I dusted myself off, got up early and hit my spin class. And for every moment of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, for every thought of why do I do this to myself, I countered it with today is a new day. You cannot change yesterday but you can make today better. Why? Because you ARE worthy of the love of your friends and family and incredible fiancé. But mostly you are worthy of loving yourself.